The first time Warren took the picture of Amy and I.  It was an accident, but, I saved it and am happy I did.  This picture got a lot of laughs that day, and still does.

Day 1 of my Lenten goal.  Write a happy memory that I think about that day.  Today’s memory is that of the mnemoic that Amy shared to remember the first 16 presidents. 

Walrus’, ate, jam, Monday, morning, after, Jello, but, had, to, poop, tremendously, forever, perhaps, boyfriends, lie.

What is happiness?  How do you know when happiness has returned?  I realized today that I am happy.  I am happy again for the first time.  Real true happiness.  Not just happy for a moment or a day or a week.  Happy all the way down to my inner most being.   I miss Amy, and I have accepted that I always will miss her.  I have not let her go, I don’t plan on doing that anytime soon.  I am ok with that, I have made that choice.  But, in site of that, I can really say, I am happy.  I am not depressed, I am not angry, I am not doubtful.  I am happy.  Obviously, I get angry and upset at times with Amy’s death or other things.  But, I have finally found some of the peace that I have been craving and longing for for almost 14 months.  I know where this peace came from, it has come from Jesus.

How long will I feel the need to share my story here?  How long will it be therapeutic to write out my feelings?  I don’t know.  But, I will as long as Ineed to, and then I will hold it close to my heart.   The truth is everything fades when death happens and it will take time for everything else to fade back in.  It is slowly starting to happen, but, it is not done yet.   I still think of her everyday, I still miss her everyday.  I love her and I always will, someday I will be at a point where I can see her in a picture or a memory and not get upset.  Just not right now.

Unless someone comes along and can convince me not to, I am pretty sure I will be going to seminary.  I am excited and somewht scared about my decision.  But, I feel it is right.  I still want to talk with Pastor Jon, and I am not sure how to start that conversation, but, when I ready to I will.  It does not need to be done now, I have two years before I need to make the decision.  It is a big decision, but, I am excited to see where God will take me.

At this point in the journey of grief it is not so much the day to day stuff that hurts.  It is the little reminders that pop up for me that was the Kennedy specials on TV that I saw this past week.  It has been a small thing I could not bring myself to deal with as everything Kennedy makes me think of Amy.   It is the small reminder that make me just realize exactly what I have lost.  It brings up the saying “you don’t know what you have until it is gone.”  And while I said that was not true before Amy died, it really is true.  I knew Amy was important, I knew she was speical, I knew I had something special in my realtionship with her.  But, when she died, part of me died.  I did not realize just how many places and parts of my life Amy had touched. 

I do now.  I have realized just how important she was and is to me, and I miss her.

Releasing is not forgetting; it is the act of setting free. Your loved one was such a blessing to you. Cherish the memories, but pass the blessing on to someone else now.

Your plan for life was suddenly changed. But God has a purpose for you, and you were created to fulfill that purpose. That is why you are here on earth right now. Find God’s plan for your life and seek fulfillment from Him.

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”

“Don’t ever give up on something or someone that you can’t go a full day without thinking about.”

~ Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.” ~

 “Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?”

The times we had together are more important than the time I spend crying.  I do miss her, and I did not realize just how many parts of my life she did impact.  But, I am more grateful fofr the time I did have with her than I am sad that she is gone.  There are days that I am not however and I am more upset than ever that she is gone.  There are days where it feels like the loss is just as fresh and new as it was in December 2008.  But, today the last day of January 2009, I can look back and see how far I have come.  I am in a new place, a new normal for me has emerged it has been hard and I have struggled but, in the end I am seeing that I truely am stronger than I thought I could be.  I did not think I could face her death and come out strong and on top.  I am not there yet, it is not done, I am not done with the grieving process.  I have not found the closure I need to say I am healed, I have not fully let go of her.  But in realizing those things I can say I will be ok.  I came a lot farther than I thought possible in the first year.  I don’t have all the answers to my questions, I still have the what ifs that will badger me for a while. 

I can sit here right now and say “Thank you!” to God for giving me the 10 best years of my life I had with Amy in them!  I would go back and do this all again knowing what would happen.  It was not long enough with her, but, it was long enough to last me forever.  I would not trade the times I had with her to avoid the hurt and pain of these last 13 months.   Amy is still here in my heart, and in my memories and my tears.  Everytime I about her, she is here.  And even when I don’t feel her God is here.  I am never alone in this walk. 

As for my plan in life being changed.  It has.  Pastor Jon has asked a couple times “what is God calling you from?” and “What is God calling you to?” 

What is God calling me from?  He is calling me from a life of hurt and pain from missing Amy.  He is calling me from my past of only going through the motions of being a Christian. 

What is God calling me to?  I am not 100% sure yet.  I feel right now that he is calling me to share what I have learned from this experience with others.  He is calling me to something different and I am still trying ot figure it out.  One possibilty I can’t shake from my heart is a call to ministry.  I will be emailing pastor Jon this week to discuss that. 

What exactly is it?  When do you know it has happend? 

I don’t know the answers to that, but, I know it has not happened.  There is no closing of the wounds left open by her passing.  There is healing, but no closure yet.  The gratitude HAS conquered the loss, but, I still miss her, and it still hurts.  I still have moments that I think if given the chance, I migh have a moment of weakness and wish her back.  I am thankful for the time I had, I am happy she is not in pain anymore.  But, I still miss her.   I do miss her very much.  I love her very much and I do wish she was still here.  I wish  she was, I would not wish her back, but, I wish she had not left.

This was writen and sung by Amy’s brother at her funeral.  I have found it to be beautiful and I wanted to save it. 

An Oak Among the Aspen -

One clear sunny day in December

With bright sparkling diamonds in the snow

We children ran up the frozen pathway

To have a look in Grandma’s window.

I could see it was warm by the fireplace

With its great wall of stones from the shore

We had come to hear Grandma tell a story

I knew she would, as so often before.

The old wooden bench on which we sat weighed a ton

There was a glimmer in her eye as her apron came undone

Then the littlest of the girls asked a question sweet and dear

She said, “Where do the stories come from?”

“Long ago in the age of the paddle and the bow

There was an oak; sturdy, strong as can be

And it watched o’er the forest and the creatures of the grove

Spreading joy as far as you can see.

While the wildlife would warble all the stories of the oak

The old folk would rest from heat of day

The laughter and glee could be heard throughout the wood

As the children would sing, dance and play.

The tree would grow bigger and stronger with time

And through the years all who passed felt its might

They gained strength and inspiration as they listened to its tale

Yes, the oak was a beacon of light.

Little children come over, look out from the sill

Over what does the golden eagle soar?”

“All I see,” said the girl, “is just a pain forest grove.

The oak isn’t there anymore.”

“Oh my dears, don’t you see all the Aspens

With their leaves waving freely and fair?

They are keeping alive all the memories

As their branches dance in the air.

‘Cause they are writing stories in the sky

Of an oak that will never, never die.

Their branches waving in the atmosphere so high

Yes, the spirit of the oak lives through you and I.

Now my grandma is the fifth generation

Of our family to live in the grove

And her children will teach their grandchildren

All the family stories of old.

While the Aspens write their stories in the sky

Of an oak that will never, never die.

Their branches waving in the atmosphere so high

Yes, the spirit of the oak lives through you and I.

As we sat by the warmth of the fire

I asked, “What did become of the oak?”

“It will always be near as we share the memories here

You are sitting on it now.” is what she spoke.

While the Aspens write their stories in the sky

Of an oak that will never, never die.

Their branches waving in the atmosphere so high

Yes, the spirit of the oak lives through you and I.

Tomorrow will be the second time Amy’s birthday will be celebrated without her.   Tomorrow Amy would be 36.  Instead Amy will always be no older than 34.  In my heart she will always be the spunky 24-25 year old that was my teacher back in the 1998-1999 school year.  That is how I choose to remember her, as my teacher, my friend, my mentor, my hero.  Even as my teacher, she was so much more.  She went above and beyond what she was required to do to help me.  Just by being there she saved me.  She saved me in high school she saved me in college.  She taught me so much, about living and now she has taught me about death.  She taugh me how to live in the face of adversity and pain.  She taught me how to face the hard times in life and become stronger and not let them defeat you.  I am struggling to live out what she taught me.  But, I am doing better than I was.  I have not gotten to the point that I can say I have let her go.  I have accepted her death, but, I can’t let her go.  I don’t know how to let her go.  I don’t know how I can let her go.  She did so much for me and I don’t know how to just let her go. 

The memories I have are scattered in my mind and heart.  They are deeply embedded in who I am and who I am becoming.  They will always be close to my heart and will always be important to me.  To quote the line from one of my favorite songs, Need you Now by Lady Antebellum

And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now

I could really use her now. 

As I sit here trying to figure out what God is calling me to do in response to her death and my grief.  I can’t help but feel that I am being called to make a hug career change.   And who would be the person I go to in this situation?  Amy.  Yet another blow to my broken heart.  I don’t know how I am going to do without her, but, I am willing to take the journey, wherever it may lead me. 

The one thing I want people to know, is this.  I am ok, I have my bad days and moments, I have my good days and moments.  I sometimes feel the need to talk about her, and this will make me cry sometimes.  But, sometimes I need to cry.  The crying does help and all I want from you, if I choose I cry with you, is for you to be silent and let me cry on your shoulder.  I don’t need you to try and fix it, I know you can’t and you know you can’t.  I just need to know you are there.  I will be ok.  I will always miss her.  Always.