Releasing is not forgetting; it is the act of setting free. Your loved one was such a blessing to you. Cherish the memories, but pass the blessing on to someone else now.

Your plan for life was suddenly changed. But God has a purpose for you, and you were created to fulfill that purpose. That is why you are here on earth right now. Find God’s plan for your life and seek fulfillment from Him.

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.”

“Don’t ever give up on something or someone that you can’t go a full day without thinking about.”

~ Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so.” ~

 “Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?”

The times we had together are more important than the time I spend crying.  I do miss her, and I did not realize just how many parts of my life she did impact.  But, I am more grateful fofr the time I did have with her than I am sad that she is gone.  There are days that I am not however and I am more upset than ever that she is gone.  There are days where it feels like the loss is just as fresh and new as it was in December 2008.  But, today the last day of January 2009, I can look back and see how far I have come.  I am in a new place, a new normal for me has emerged it has been hard and I have struggled but, in the end I am seeing that I truely am stronger than I thought I could be.  I did not think I could face her death and come out strong and on top.  I am not there yet, it is not done, I am not done with the grieving process.  I have not found the closure I need to say I am healed, I have not fully let go of her.  But in realizing those things I can say I will be ok.  I came a lot farther than I thought possible in the first year.  I don’t have all the answers to my questions, I still have the what ifs that will badger me for a while. 

I can sit here right now and say “Thank you!” to God for giving me the 10 best years of my life I had with Amy in them!  I would go back and do this all again knowing what would happen.  It was not long enough with her, but, it was long enough to last me forever.  I would not trade the times I had with her to avoid the hurt and pain of these last 13 months.   Amy is still here in my heart, and in my memories and my tears.  Everytime I about her, she is here.  And even when I don’t feel her God is here.  I am never alone in this walk. 

As for my plan in life being changed.  It has.  Pastor Jon has asked a couple times “what is God calling you from?” and “What is God calling you to?” 

What is God calling me from?  He is calling me from a life of hurt and pain from missing Amy.  He is calling me from my past of only going through the motions of being a Christian. 

What is God calling me to?  I am not 100% sure yet.  I feel right now that he is calling me to share what I have learned from this experience with others.  He is calling me to something different and I am still trying ot figure it out.  One possibilty I can’t shake from my heart is a call to ministry.  I will be emailing pastor Jon this week to discuss that. 

What exactly is it?  When do you know it has happend? 

I don’t know the answers to that, but, I know it has not happened.  There is no closing of the wounds left open by her passing.  There is healing, but no closure yet.  The gratitude HAS conquered the loss, but, I still miss her, and it still hurts.  I still have moments that I think if given the chance, I migh have a moment of weakness and wish her back.  I am thankful for the time I had, I am happy she is not in pain anymore.  But, I still miss her.   I do miss her very much.  I love her very much and I do wish she was still here.  I wish  she was, I would not wish her back, but, I wish she had not left.

This was writen and sung by Amy’s brother at her funeral.  I have found it to be beautiful and I wanted to save it. 

An Oak Among the Aspen -

One clear sunny day in December

With bright sparkling diamonds in the snow

We children ran up the frozen pathway

To have a look in Grandma’s window.

I could see it was warm by the fireplace

With its great wall of stones from the shore

We had come to hear Grandma tell a story

I knew she would, as so often before.

The old wooden bench on which we sat weighed a ton

There was a glimmer in her eye as her apron came undone

Then the littlest of the girls asked a question sweet and dear

She said, “Where do the stories come from?”

“Long ago in the age of the paddle and the bow

There was an oak; sturdy, strong as can be

And it watched o’er the forest and the creatures of the grove

Spreading joy as far as you can see.

While the wildlife would warble all the stories of the oak

The old folk would rest from heat of day

The laughter and glee could be heard throughout the wood

As the children would sing, dance and play.

The tree would grow bigger and stronger with time

And through the years all who passed felt its might

They gained strength and inspiration as they listened to its tale

Yes, the oak was a beacon of light.

Little children come over, look out from the sill

Over what does the golden eagle soar?”

“All I see,” said the girl, “is just a pain forest grove.

The oak isn’t there anymore.”

“Oh my dears, don’t you see all the Aspens

With their leaves waving freely and fair?

They are keeping alive all the memories

As their branches dance in the air.

‘Cause they are writing stories in the sky

Of an oak that will never, never die.

Their branches waving in the atmosphere so high

Yes, the spirit of the oak lives through you and I.

Now my grandma is the fifth generation

Of our family to live in the grove

And her children will teach their grandchildren

All the family stories of old.

While the Aspens write their stories in the sky

Of an oak that will never, never die.

Their branches waving in the atmosphere so high

Yes, the spirit of the oak lives through you and I.

As we sat by the warmth of the fire

I asked, “What did become of the oak?”

“It will always be near as we share the memories here

You are sitting on it now.” is what she spoke.

While the Aspens write their stories in the sky

Of an oak that will never, never die.

Their branches waving in the atmosphere so high

Yes, the spirit of the oak lives through you and I.

Tomorrow will be the second time Amy’s birthday will be celebrated without her.   Tomorrow Amy would be 36.  Instead Amy will always be no older than 34.  In my heart she will always be the spunky 24-25 year old that was my teacher back in the 1998-1999 school year.  That is how I choose to remember her, as my teacher, my friend, my mentor, my hero.  Even as my teacher, she was so much more.  She went above and beyond what she was required to do to help me.  Just by being there she saved me.  She saved me in high school she saved me in college.  She taught me so much, about living and now she has taught me about death.  She taugh me how to live in the face of adversity and pain.  She taught me how to face the hard times in life and become stronger and not let them defeat you.  I am struggling to live out what she taught me.  But, I am doing better than I was.  I have not gotten to the point that I can say I have let her go.  I have accepted her death, but, I can’t let her go.  I don’t know how to let her go.  I don’t know how I can let her go.  She did so much for me and I don’t know how to just let her go. 

The memories I have are scattered in my mind and heart.  They are deeply embedded in who I am and who I am becoming.  They will always be close to my heart and will always be important to me.  To quote the line from one of my favorite songs, Need you Now by Lady Antebellum

And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now
I just need you now
Ooo, baby, I need you now

I could really use her now. 

As I sit here trying to figure out what God is calling me to do in response to her death and my grief.  I can’t help but feel that I am being called to make a hug career change.   And who would be the person I go to in this situation?  Amy.  Yet another blow to my broken heart.  I don’t know how I am going to do without her, but, I am willing to take the journey, wherever it may lead me. 

The one thing I want people to know, is this.  I am ok, I have my bad days and moments, I have my good days and moments.  I sometimes feel the need to talk about her, and this will make me cry sometimes.  But, sometimes I need to cry.  The crying does help and all I want from you, if I choose I cry with you, is for you to be silent and let me cry on your shoulder.  I don’t need you to try and fix it, I know you can’t and you know you can’t.  I just need to know you are there.  I will be ok.  I will always miss her.  Always.

What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don’t have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That’s what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

“Do I Make You Proud”

[Verse One:]
I’ve never been
The one to raise my hand
That was not me
And now that’s who I am
Because of you
I am standing tall
My heart is full
Of endless gratitude
You were the one
The one to guide me through
Now I can see
And I believe
It’s only just beginning

[Chorus:]
This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud
Stronger than I’ve ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud

[Verse Two:]
I guess I’ve learned
To question is to grow,
That you still have faith,
Is all I need to know,
I’ve learned to love,
Myself in spite of me,
And I’ve learned to
Walk on the road I believe.

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved
Everybody need to rise on
Everybody needs to be loved, to be loved

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud
This is what we dream about
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud
Stronger than I’ve ever been
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud
Do I make you proud

Well, Amy today the Vikings are playing in the playoffs and I am wearing a Vikings shirt.  Bet, you never thought that would happen, and neither did I.  But, Favre is playing there now and you know how much I love him!  I wish you were here to see him playing in purple and gold. 

Also, a week from today would be your 36th birthday.  It will be the second birthday since you left, hard to believe it has been long enough to have two birthdays.  But, as I look back on this last year I can’t help but wonder if you could see me now would you be proud of where I have come from?  Would you look at me and say I have done a good job?  I guess I will never know, but, it won’t stop me from wondering. 

I miss you.  I miss you just as much.

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day when I’m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

It seems like some days I feel like I have to face her death for the first time again.  There are those moments that the reality that she is gone stings just as badly as it did a year ago.  I am better, I am in a better place.  But, I do miss hervery much.

So there was supposed to be a memory stone for Amy at Woodbury Junior high, they were going to have a small ceremony to place it in the memorial garden.  Well I emailed to ask what happened about it, and they just put it out.  It may be a small thing, but, it hurts.  It was important to me.  It was going to be a waty for me to thank Amy.  I am just hurt that they contacted me about this and then don’t do it.   I was looking forward to it.

“I would define worship in the broadest sense as the soul’s response to God. It is anything that I do in my soul where I am truly aware of my heavenly Father, and I am turning to Him in the time of need. It might be with joy. It might be with praise. But very often it’s with a broken heart.

“I think that in those moments when you have lost someone very precious to you, God is honored when deep inside you turn to Him and cry out, ‘Oh God, oh Lord, You are awesome. Your ways are beyond finding out. Lord, I do not understand, but I bow before You because You are an awesome God.’ That to me is worship.”

In healing from the death of a loved one, I have found worship and serving the Lord to be a source of peace and comfort.  In becoming involved in the church to be healing in and of itself.  God wants nothing more than for us to go to him with our problems.  To God us coming to him with a broken heart, a heart that is angry, hurt, torn, confused or whatever it may be, is worship.  He wants us to come to him.  He wants to know our feelings and our prayers.  There is nothing he does not want to know or can’t handle.   By coming to him we are promised peace, we are promised his undying love.  We are promised the comfort we so desperately want and need following the death of a loved one. 

John 14:27

²⁷Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Matthew 11:28

 ²⁸“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

“Everyone deserves a lifetime” I think everyone has heard this whether on the radio or on a TV commerical for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, and while it is easy to say, it is not true, every day is a gift, every day is a blessing.  We are not guaranteed anything on this earth.  We are not promised a tomorrow or a next week.  The only eternity we are promised is with God in Heaven. 

If I have learned anything over the past year it is that nothing can be taken for granted.  Nothing.  Nothing is guaranteed.  Nothing is promised.  There is no time to say “I will do that tomorrow or next week or later.”  I did that.  I put off seeing Amy in December because I was busy with work.  We made plans for January.  She died in December.  I did not get to see her again.  And next month never came for Amy, it came for me.  But, Amy was not here and all I was left with was the regret for not seeing her when she was here.   And in that tomorrow that came without Amy, also came greif, sadness, fear, loss and many other emotions that I did not know could exisist together.  But, that day also came with a promise.  An unmatchable promise.  The promise that God would be right there next to me while I travel the dark path of grief.  Every single day, every minutes of everyday.  Each time I felt like I was alone, God was right there.  

And that is how Amy lived, she lived in the day.   Amy realized that every day is gift, and she lived it.  Even before she was sick.   Amy knew that she was not promised anything.  It is something I still admire about Amy.  She knew her blessing while she had them.   Every day is a risk, it may be a good day, it may be a bad day.  But, until the day is lived out, there is no way to know.  The challenge is to live each day like it is worth the risk.  It is hard to do sometimes, there were many days this last year that I wish I could have pulled the covers over my head and not gotten up.  But, what if that had been the day that it all turned around and I had stayed in bed?   Would it have been worth it to stay in bed and possibly miss out on another blessing?  What if I had not taken the risk and emailed Pastor Jon?  Would I have been blessed like I was this past year?  It would have been much easier to not send that email.  And what if I had said that it was too hard to write that Christmas letter to Warren?  He would not have had my address to send me a letter with pictures and a hopeful update. 

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love.”

What if I had not taken the chance to get to know Amy when she was my teacher?  I took the risk and was blessed beyond measure by her.  What if I had never gone back to see her after I went to the high school?  What if I had never volunteered for her?  I would not be in this position I am now.  But, I also would not have had those 10 years of her love.  I am willing to pay the price of loss and grief to have had those years of blessings and memories.  Because if given the chance I would do it all again.  It is a risk I am glad I took.  I have memories and pictures that will never be forgotten. 

“We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they’re called memories. Some take us forward, they’re called dreams.”