A window to my heart

As I look back on the first posts I made this year I can’t help but see that I still have the same questions, I still have the same hurts and fears, but I have something now that I did not have then.  I have hope amidst those hurts and fears and questions.  Hope that in time I will be ok.  Hope that Gow will get me through this and on the other side I will be a stronger person.  Hope that Warren, Arbor and Bella will be ok.  Hope that there is a plan and that God is guiding me through it. 

I am going to move forward and live my life in a way that Amy would be proud of.  I am not saying I am not going to miss her or hurt from time to time.  I am not saying that I am not going to shed some tears.  I am just going to have faith that I will be ok. 

Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no trouble and no heartache.  It means to be in that place and feel God’s prescence. 

No smile is as beautiful as the one that struggles through the tears. 

Peace is looking forward and seeing storms, but, deciding to go ahead anyways. 

 “‘You’ll get over it…’ It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it’ is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?”

“Our grief work is not really complete until we have found some meaning in our grief.
It is true that our emotions need healing, but so does our belief system or theology.”

“Suffering is surely good or bad only according to the results it produces. Had it been
a bad thing in itself, the Son of God would not have taken it for his chosen instrument
for the cure of the world . …I do not mean by this that we should lessen our attempts to
alleviate pain and remove the causes of distress, for such is the simple duty of charity;
I only mean that what we cannot remove is not wasted.”

BEFORE DAWN

It is always darkest before the dawn
and the sun will shine again
through the darkest hours
I will be there, my friend.
To hold your hand
and dry your tears
through the storm
I will soothe your fears.
And when the storm is over
and the day is once again bright,
I will be proud of you, my friend
for making it through the night..

As the end of the day I have dreaded for months comes to an end I just want to share a few things.  Today really has been hard.  It has been an emotional day.  A day of reflecting and a day filled with tears.  Amy really did leave an impact on my life.  And I know I have said it many many times but, days like today really show the impact she had on me. 

In the last year so much has happened, some pretty big things and some very small things, but, events that I would have loved to share with Amy.  And it is in those moments that will still happen throughout my life, that I realize just how much I do miss her and how much she did change my life.   It is in those moments that I hurt.  It is in those moments that I long for her to be back.   In reality I know I would never wish her back if given the chance.  I have accepted her death, it is the loss in the moments I would share that hurt.  The simple fact of her death is not the lingering saddness.   Because, it is not a lingering saddness it is saddness that comes in certain moments.  And it will happen for a long time, probably forever.  I would not expect or even really want to not ever miss her.  Because in the moment I don’t miss her, would be the moment I forget what she did for me. 

Sigh.  I miss her.  But, in this last year have come to realize how truly happy I am that she is not suffering anymore.

Today, is the happiest day of her life
I should be happy for her today
So tell me why are these tears in my eyes?
I know i should be happy for her

This may be an odd song to be thinking about on the 1 year anniversary of Amy’s death.  But, today was the happiest day of Amy’s life.  It was the day she left a life that had become filled with pain and misery to go to Heaven.  I should be happy that she is no longer suffering and in pain and that she is at perfect peace in Heaven.  I should be is the key part.  I am not.  I miss her, I am angry she is gone. 

Can Amy see us down her missing her and being upset?  Does she know how much we loved her?  Or is just at perfect peacwe in Heaven with her savior?  I almost hope it is the last.   I say almost because part of me wants her to know how much she is loved and missed.  But, also I want her to be at that perfect peace.  She deserves it.  She was such an inspiring woman, and still is inspiring.  She deserves the peace that only God can give her in Heaven. 

Christmas is winding down, and a day that I thought I would be very difficult was not that hard.  Last night in church was emotional and I had to fight back the tears.  Was today not that hard because last Christmas I knew Amy was dying and it was only  a matter of days?  Or is it just God? 

I am not saying that I did not have moments today where I thought about Warren and the kids and get upset, because I am sure this day was hard for them. 

I think a big healing point for me was the Christmas letter I got from Warren.  A small piece of paper and a simple gesture that brought me an indescribable amount of happiness and peace.   There was nothing special about the letter Warren sent to me, it was the letter he sent to everyone.  But, to me it was special.  I got to see that as a family they are doing ok.  The kids are happy and Warren is happy and realize he is a great father.  That brought so much peace to me heart.  They all mean so much to me,  just because of the fact that Amy meant so much to me.  Therefore when she passed, I realized that her family was just as important, her husband and kids need to know that they are loved and supported.   I hope they know that.  I pray they know that.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

A cut finger is numb before it bleeds
it bleeds before it hurts
it hurts until it begins to heal
it forms a scab and itches
until finally, the scab is gone
and a small scar is left
where once there was a wound.
Grief is the deepest wound
you ever had.
Like a cut finger
it goes through stages
and leaves a scar.

I’M STILL HERE
Friend, please don’t mourn for me
I’m still here, though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I’m always near.
I’m everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I’ll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight-
I’m the brightest star on a summer night.
I’ll never be beyond your reach-
I’m the warm moist sand when you’re at the beach.

I’m the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start thinking there’s no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I’m the smile you see on a baby’s face.
Just look for me, friend, I’m everyplace!
~~Author Unknown

Rush of Fools “peace be still” 

Come to Me, you who are weak
Let My strength be yours tonight
Come and rest, let My love be your bed
Let My heart be yours tonight

*chorus*
Peace be still, Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God
and know that I am God

v.2
Come empty cup, let Me fill you up
I’ll descend on you like a dove tonight
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into Mine
Let your fear subside tonight

*chorus*

bridge:
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

One year ago today I learned that Amy would not be recieiving any more cancer treatment.  It would be all just to control her pain.  I remember this day vividly.  I remember sitting on the red leather couch and being numb.  I could not cry, I could not even fully comprehend the meaing of it.  I knew what it meant, but, I could not believe it.  Little did I know in 10 days she would be gone.  Knowing the end was coming was something I did not want to deal with or face.  And to be honest, the end of this phase of Amy’s life is still something I don’t want to deal with.  Dealing with it means accepting and admitting she is gone.  Something I don’t want to do.  But, it does not matter what I want to do,  I have to deal with it.  I have to face the reality of her passing.  And while I still have not “let go” of her I have to accept her death.  I don’t have to let go yet.  I can hold on to her as long as I want to.  I can’t replace her and I never would want to replace Amy.  I do miss her, and I do long for her to be back.  I would never wish her back from Heaven, but, I do want one more hug.  I would give anything to have her knock on the door of my house and be able to show her my new house!  I would love to bounce home decorating ideas off her.   I am not ever going to let her go.  I will move on with my life, but, I will not let go of her.  I can’t just let go of someone so special to me.  Right or wrong that is the decision I have made with my grief.  It may change in time, but, right now I need to hold onto Amy.  I need to hold onto what I have left of her. 

I know that in time I will be able to say that I am at peace with her death.  I fully believe this.  I believe that God will get me through it.  I have faith in that. 

“When you come to the edge of all the light that you know,
And you are about to step off into the darkness
of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand onor you will be taught how to fly.”

Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Remember all the good times that we had

We let them slip away from us when things got bad

Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun

I want to feel your warmth upon me, I want to be the one

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I’m so tired,I can’t sleep

Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep

It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside, we can’t be heard

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose

Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night

You Gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life

And I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

I will remember you

Will you remember me?

Don’t let your life pass you by

Weep not for the memories

Weep not for the memories

I will always remember Amy.  There is no doubt that I will never forget her. I just miss her so much.

I hate this song.  Even more now.  If there is a song that rips my heart into a million pieces it is this song.  And now, it makes me think of Amy’s story.  Two little kids, she died two days after Christmas, after a long illness.  Yeah, I won’t listen to it.  I don’t need anything else to spoil what Christmas cheer I have.  I am trying so hard not to let her death take over my Christmas, but, it is hard when songs like that are played.