A window to my heart

The caringbridge page is closing today.  It contains 3 years worth of memories and beautiful writings and feelings.  I am heartbroken.  I am going to miss being able to see her beautiful face, well, I already miss that.  Why is this so hard?  It makes me come to the reality that she is gone.  A reality I hate.  A reality I want to run away from.  But, I am not going to keep writing on this. 

I just read the book The Shack.  For anyone who has not heard of it, the book is about a man who gets  a letter from God to go to a place of great heartache for him.  He meets God there and his life changes.  It shows us that God wants to be right there next to us during our darkest times.  I will be honest I am struggling to see that right now.  I just want to walk away from everything I believe in.  I want to just be done trying to find God in everything.  But, at the same time, the rational part of me then hates that I am even thinking that way.  My mind is such a mess right now.  I can’t keep anything straight in there.  While there is no shack in my story, no physical place of great saddness, it is an emotional place.  Everywhere is the great saddness.  Everywhere I turn I see Amy.  And no matter how hard I try to see the positive parts of this horrible story, I can’t.  I am not there yet.  I am sick of being told how to grieve.  I am sick of being told how I should feel or what I should do.  My heart is still broken, it is going to take time.  That is all I am asking for, is time. 

Since the name of my blog is The Starving Pastry Chef, I will share some of the goodies I have made recently. 
First up is a Strawberry Chantilly torte with fresh strawberries on top!

Next is Chocolate bavarian beehives with marachino cheeries and Opera cake, which is almond sponge cake with cappuchino buttercream and ganache.

These are two different berry tarts.  In the back they have whipped ganache and various berries, the front has mascarpone cream and rasberries.

So it has been a week and I dying to write again.  It just brings some relief to my broken heart. 

Today I organized the printed copy of the entire caringbridge journal and I was flipping though them and it was pretty heart wrenching.  I remember reading most of those entries when they happened, I remember crying when they occured and I remember rejoicing when the happy ones did as well. 
It was hard to read some of them, especially the ones that were talking of the miracles she did get.  Because she did not get the ultimate miracle.  Well, in some ways she did.  She is in Heaven she got the BEST gift.  It is us left behind that suffer. 

This week has been pretty good though.  I was able to sit down and make my list of ways I have seen God at work in this mess.  It felt good to be able see something positive. 
I feel much better than I did a month ago. 

I believe that God created me, along with all creatures. He gave to me: body and soul, eyes, ears and all the other parts of my body, my mind and all my senses and preserves them as well. He gives me clothing and shoes, food and drink, house and land, wife and children, fields, animals and all I own. Every day He abundantly provides everything I need to nourish this body and life. He protects me against all danger, shields and defends me from all evil. He does all this because of His pure, fatherly and divine goodness and His mercy, not because I’ve earned it or deserved it. For all of this, I must thank Him, praise Him, serve Him and obey Him. Yes, this is true!

Saddness may be the most common emotion following death, but right now I am scared.  There is fear that by accepting her death I am forgetting what she meant to me.  Fear that I will never get to the acceptance.  Fear that I will one day forget how much she meant to me.  Fear that by getting to acceptance means I will only start over grieving again when I remember her. 

But, amisdt that fear I do crave the peace and comfort.  I do want to be truely happy again, I want to not feel guilty about smiling, and laughing.  I want to feel whole again.  I want to get my life back.  I know it will not be the same life I had before, but, I want to move on. 

I met with Pastor Jon yesterday, he was sent from God.  There is no other way to explain it.  God led me to him and God is going to keep using him to help my heart heal.  Just knowing that he cares helps.  Just knowing that he will listen if I need someone to talk to helps. 

As a suggestion of his I am going to not blog for a couple days to see if it can help. 

Everyone deserves a lifetime.  This is all I can think about.  And while it is easy to say it is not true, every day is a gift, everyday is a blessing.  And that is how Amy lived, she lived in the day.  But, it is so unfair, she deserved to be here to see her kids grow up.  Every mother deserves that. 

Tuesday January 27 marked 1 month since Amy went to Heaven.  And since that day I have been on a downward spiral.  I am back to where I was, and in many ways I am worse than I was.  I miss her more and more everyday.  Everyday that passes marks another day she is not here.  And while she is in Heaven at pure peace she is not here with those who love her.  
I have had “good” days.  I hesitate to call them good because even though I am not lost in my grief, I still miss her and still hurt.  Those are the days that I can find peace in some of the positive things.  This does not happen everyday.  Everyday is different.  Some days those positive things make me even more upset. 

I just want my life back.  I want Amy back.  I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not already feel worn down.  I feel like I am trying to function while taking nyquil.  Everything is foggy and nothing makes sense.  All I want to do is curl into a ball in my bed and sleep for a couple weeks. 
I don’t want to do this anymore. 

I also wish people would realize that just because I can smile and make a joke, does not mean I am better. 

If my tears could do more than fall off my face she would be here.  She would not be gone.  These past couple days have been so hard, I just want to give up.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want to see her again.  I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.  I am falling apart, from the inside out.  I am not ok.  I am not doing as well as I pretend I am.  I am struggling to make it through the day.  I miss her so much, I miss her.  I miss her.  How am I supposed to go on?  How am I supposed to get over it?  How am I supposed to ever be ok?  She is gone.  She will never meet my children, she will never see the baby I name after her.  She won’t be at my wedding, she won’t be there.  I know she is in Heaven and I know she is with me in my heart, but, it is not the same.  How in the world is this fair?  How in the world am I going to be ok?  I have been told time will heal my heart, but, I don’t believe it.  Right now I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, right now my heart is broken and showing no signs of ever being ok again.  It will never be the same, I know that and I don’t expect that.  I just want to be ok.  I just want to have the peace so I can be ok.